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A person who is absolutely convinced that they have nothing at all to change in their marriage is a person who is obsessed with making their marriage fail.

I am not the same person I am when Lucretia and I first got married in 2000.  He has had to do a work in me (and currently still IS!)

A quick word to singles, WHEN you marry someone you need to understand that you are marrying them “as is,” and that change is NOT guaranteed.  (I’ve seen SO many marriages go bad because someone, usually the female, compromised core convictions because she was absolutely convinced she could “change him.”)  Seriously, you need to be ready to spend the rest of your life with them they way they are…and if you are not then DON’T GET MARRIED.

However, in this point I am not talking about their refusal to change.  You can’t do anything about that…I am taking about your refusal to change, to not deal with the issues the Lord is making so obvious to you either because of pride, fear or insecurity.

I am not the man I need to be when it comes to being Lucretia’s husband…but thank God I am not the man I was when I married her.  He has (and is) changing me, it hasn’t been easy…but submitting to the work He wants to do in me has definitely made me a better husband.

#4 – Refusal To Learn

Marriage is something that you think you know a lot about…until you actually get married and many of the previous theories you held near and dear to your head go flying out the window.

Anytime one sinner marries another sinner…there will be “issues!”  (And PLEASE don’t tell me how it could not work out because you are so “different!”  OF COURSE you are different…one of you is male and the other is female…the last time I checked that is pretty much different!)

We can’t STOP learning when we get married; in fact, when we say “I do” we are saying I do to a learning process that will take place until the time we see Jesus.  We’ve got to be learners if we want our marriages to succeed.

AND…I’m not talking about learning in regards to what pop psychology says about marriage.  What does God’s Word say about it?  After all, He is THE ONE who made mankind aware of HIS IDEA to begin with!  (BTW…here is the link to our series we did back in the fall called Man versus Wife if you are looking for some practical, biblical teaching.)

AND, not only do we need to be students of the Word…we also need to be students of our spouse.  One of the reasons marriages are in so much trouble is because men can rattle off sports statistics like nobody’s business and women can tell you about the latest Hollywood gossip but then neither one can tell you three things that their spouse would say significantly impacted them as a child, or what their spouse wanted to be when they grew up or even what their spouse fears the most.
When a couple is committed to learning about one another then it becomes very difficult to get bored with each other!!!

Marriage is God’s idea…it CAN and SHOULD work, we should THRIVE in marriage, not just merely survive it.  And…we can when we ask for help, deal with our own “junk,” change what needs to be changed and become students of God’s institution of marriage.

There’s a reason we love movies about people overcoming adversity. A reason why we’ll sit through 100 minutes of depressing scenes for 2 minutes of payoff at the end.

It’s because those depressing scenes make the victory and the payoff at the end that much more meaningful. And possible. Without the adversity, there wouldn’t be much worth watching. Or worth cheering for when the adversity is conquered.

What’s interesting is that what we look for in movies we avoid at all costs in life. The life most of us would prefer is a movie no one would want to see. Including ourselves.

Here’s what I mean.

Have you ever found yourself facing a season of setback and challenge, thinking:
God, can we skip this scene?

If you have, you’re not alone.

Joseph would have said it while spending 13 years in slavery and prison.
The apostles would have said it when they were being persecuted for the gospel.
Even Jesus said it before the cross when He was in the garden of Gethsemane.

So it’s understandable to have this feeling. Who wants to go through hell? Who wants to go through adversity? It’s ok to watch on a screen. But who wants to go through it in their own lives?

Yet what we have to realize is that it’s these very moments that make the payoff we’re waiting for worth it. It’s these scenes that build character. That setup for the big breakthrough and climax.

It’s the scenes that we all want to skip that produce the endings we all want to experience.

It was Joseph’s time in slavery and prison that put him in a position to save his family and an entire nation.
It was the very persecution that the apostles would have wanted to skip that ended up being the catalyst for the rapid spread of the gospel.
It was the cross of Jesus that provided salvation for all who would believe.

Nothing of great worth comes at a low cost. The hardest scenes of your life are the necessary stepping stones to the greatest breakthroughs and victories of your life.

I know that doesn’t make them easy. I know you’d still like to skip them. But you can’t.

And it’s the scenes that you’d prefer to skip that God is using to orchestrate an ending you wouldn’t want to miss.

As I survey the landscape of the world today it seems like so many marriages are falling apart…and what is so sad is that it doesn’t have to be that way.  Here are four reasons I believe marriages fail…

#1 – People Refuse To Ask For Help!

For some reason is has become taboo (especially in the church) to ask for help in your marriage; after all, if you do THAT then people may think you are weak.  So, instead of dealing with the problem you deny it because everyone knows that if you deny something long enough that it will eventually go away, right?
WRONG…refusing to ask for help is nothing more than pride–period!
SO many marriages could be saved if people would simply swallow their pride in the early stages of conflict and ask for help by either calling the church or finding another godly couple in the church who have been together for a long time.

#2 – Refusing To Address Their Part Of The Problem!

It really does take two people to mess up a marriage.
Even if one person is 95% at fault the other person still had to own their 5%.
All too often couples walk into a counseling situation convinced if the other person would just change into the person that they want them to be the marriage would be amazing.  (Read that sentence again…because this attitude basically tells the other person, “If you will simply make me your god and worship me then all will be wonderful!”)

Lucretia and I have a great marriage; however, it has been far from perfect these past almost 11 years.  BUT…what I have personally discovered is that it isn’t my job to point out her imperfections and shortcomings but to ask the Lord to reveal my own so that I can work on my issues…and then trust the Lord that if there is something that He wants to work out in her that He will do so in His time.
Please understand that I am NOT saying that there are not times when we haven’t had to sit down and have hard conversations with one another about some things…but this is always done with the thought in mind that we are fighting FOR our marriage and not IN our marriage…and that fight begins NOT with who we perceive the other person to be but rather who Christ is actually shaping us into.

Salvation … not vacation!

Praise God … through Jesus we have salvation …
… all lack, problems and pressure have been taken care of …!
Really?
Actually No! … since I have become Born Again …
… the pressure has increased rather than having decreased!
!!!
But I thought Jesus said …

I am come that they might have life,
and that they might have it more abundantly.
— John 10:10

Yes He did … but Jesus also said …

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.
In the world ye shall have tribulation:
but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
— John 16:33

Yes, Jesus gave us Salvation … but He did not give us a Vacation!
Yes, Jesus did come so that we could have life … more abundantly!
… and He has overcome the world for us …
… but the devil is still on the loose …

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil,
as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:
— 1 Pet 5:8

We have to take hold of that life in abundance … in Jesus!
We have to stand against the devil and his attacks!
It is not a vacation … but it is salvation …
Salvation in its fullest is ours … but only as much as we take!
!!!
When God created us … He put us in charge of the earth …
… and told us to take dominion and to subdue the earth …
(Gen. 1:28, Psalm 8:4-6)
God has not changed His mind … (Mal. 3:6)
… and we are still supposed to take dominion on earth …
… and we are still expected to subdue what comes against us!
!!!
What Jesus did was to overcome the devil …
And take back the authority on earth …
And it is in His authority … in His name … that we have the victory …
But, we have to take that authority in His name against the pressures, etc.
That is salvation …
The victory is ours …
… but only to the extent that we take it in Jesus’ name!
!!!
But … what about a vacation?
Vacation is the result of salvation …
Salvation in its fullest …
… victory over satan’s opposition … in Jesus’ name!

Opinion Poll

God tells us in Eph. 6:13 to put on His armour!
But what is it that makes the Armour work?
Is it …

Look not thou upon the wine when it is red, when it giveth his colour in the cup, when it moveth itself aright.

Wine is very good. God created it to cheer the heart of man (31:6; Ps 104:14-15); Moses commended it for family worship before God (Deut 14:26); Jesus drank it and supplied it for a wedding (Luke 7:33-35; John 2:1-11); Paul endorsed it for communion (I Cor 11:20-22); and faithful ministers defend its moderate use (I Tim 3:8; 5:23; Tit 2:3).

But unguarded or excessive affection for wine is wisely condemned. Any thoughts toward drunkenness are sin (24:9; Eph 5:18), and only fools drink without sober regard for the danger and results of drunkenness (20:1; 23:29-30). Wine can be dangerous, if it is not kept in its proper place and used for its designed purpose, just like other creations.

After warning about wine, there are two other lessons – how Pharisees pervert God’s word, and how to rightly divide it. Solomon wrote, “Look not thou upon the wine when it is red.” Pharisees are literalists – they cannot see a figure of speech, even if it were in blazing neon! They condemn even looking at red wine from a Bible verse like this!

Assume their abuse of the verse is correct. If so, you may freely guzzle red wine as long as you do not look at it! Bring out the blindfolds! You may both look at and guzzle white wine! Bring out the white zinfandel! The chardonnay! The sauvignon blanc! The riesling!

If you literally apply this clause to looking at red wine, you condemn God, Moses, Jesus, Paul, and faithful ministers. The literalists are wrong.  Solomon did not condemn looking at red wine. He condemned unguarded or excessive affection for any wine; but he used the color of the basic wine of Israel, which was very red, like blood (Deut 32:14; Is 63:2). There is a figure of speech here, whether you see an ellipsis or a metonym of the adjunct.

Job said about marriage, “I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid?” (Job 31:1). Did Job never think about his maids? Could he think about a maid when hiring her? Could he bless her on her birthday? Could he think about giving her a raise? Of course! The condemnation of thinking here is to be understood sexually! Job’s covenant of marriage did not allow sexual thoughts or fantasies about a maid.

Jesus said about mental adultery, “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman … hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matt 5:28). He did not condemn simply looking at another woman, for that is approved and necessary in ordinary society. But He did condemn looking at another woman “to lust after her.” And it is this sense that is the proper and true sense of our proverb. Let God be true!

Wine in Solomon’s day had several attractive features – red color; depth, reflection, and shades of color in a good cup; and bubbles moving to the surface. These same features make wine visually attractive today, especially in a beautiful wine glass with appropriate sunshine, room lighting, or candlelight to enhance it. As he admits a strange woman may be beautiful (6:25), he admits wine has an appeal that we must soberly guard against.

This proverb is in the middle of a passage where Solomon condemned drunkenness (23:29-35). He did not condemn moderate drinking, which God and the Bible approve and commend: he condemned those who “tarry long at the wine” (23:30) and those who have the symptoms of severe drunkenness (23:29,34-35). If a man’s religion is based on the Bible, he knows God commends moderate drinking, but condemns drunkenness.

Neither God nor the Bible recognizes alcoholism – there really is no such condition. Such persons are properly called drunkards in Scripture. Drunkenness is drinking past reason until your senses no longer rightly recognize good and evil. Your imagination and speech are degraded to folly and sin (23:33) – the opposite goal of this book of wisdom. Because drunkenness is deceiving, it is generally only others who can perceive your drunkenness.

Reader, take heed. Wine is very good. It is beautiful in a goblet. Its properties to relax your central nervous system and cheer you are very pleasant. But Solomon taught wisdom in Proverbs, and wise men will guard against excessive infatuation with wine and drink it only with prudent discipline. Abuse of wine can make a wise man a fool, quickly!

The lesson of this proverb applies indirectly to all creations and their abuse as well. Bread and butter are just as dangerous as wine, in that gluttony is as much a sin as drunkenness. Infatuation with food or intemperate eating must also be avoided, for a person preoccupied with eating, or eating more than he needs, will sin with this good creation. Godliness is moderation and temperance in all things (Eph 5:18; Phil 4:5; I Cor 9:24-27).

After being extremely frustrated with the format of one of my meetings, I recently decided to switch things up. To change my tactic.

Instead of face-to-face meetings, I did everything through email. And I never email. It wasn’t a long-term change. And I wouldn’t even go so far as to say that the old meeting format was inherently bad. New life was just needed, and new life wasn’t going to come from the same old system.

It worked. We had greater productivity and when we resumed our meeting, it had fresh energy. This seemingly insignificant adjustment yielded significant results.

Many people think that when something is stagnant in their lives, it’s a sign that something is seriously wrong. A major overhaul is needed and you need to start doing the right things instead of all the wrong things.

Maybe.

But it might just be time to try something new. To change your tactic.

It reminds me of when Jesus told Peter and the disciples to throw their nets to the other side of the boat in John 21 when they weren’t catching any fish. Jesus didn’t tell them to throw it to the correct side. Just to throw them to the other side.

It worked. They hauled in the largest catch of their lives. The result was nothing short of miraculous. And it was just because they tried something new.

I wonder what areas of your life need a change in tactic. A new technique.

Maybe your relationship with God feels a little dry and you’re wondering what you’re doing wrong. You think there must be a hidden sin in your life you haven’t confessed yet.

That could be it. But it could just be the fact that you’ve stuck to the same format of engaging with God since you first met Him. The same Bible reading plan. The same prayer structure. The same everything.

Change your tactic. Find fresh ways to walk with God. If you usually study one book of the Bible over a few months, read through the entire New Testament in the same time. If you usually read a few chapters a day, focus on one verse a day instead. Whatever you do, just try something new.

The same could be said for how you approach your marriage. The way you raise your kids. How you’re leading your team. The possibilities are really as endless as the places in your life where fresh momentum is needed.

Don’t ever be afraid to change it up a little. To change your tactic. It’ll be an adjustment for you, but the big dividends these small changes can pay makes the adjustment more than worth it.